ITS THE STRUTH!
This week the Daily Hun profiles the legendary figure that is Wm Struth.
On arrival at Ibrox, following a 546 mile hike through some of the toughest braes Partick had to offer, Struth’s influence, like the cut of his Saville Row attire; superbly finished and liable to slice you wide open if you stood too near, was immediate. Where once the winds of change had feared to blow, Struth’s Calvanistic approach to reformation was scriptorial in spreading the New Testament that was Rangers Fotball Club.
The entire first team squad was sold, bar Archie Owens who was shot after missing a two foot tap in against Burntisland Welders (Second 11). The shooting, despite being witnessed by an entire stadium never made it to court. Govan CID were happy with Mr.Struth’s explanation that the the gun had gone off accidentally 56ft away, the bullet lodging itself into Owens’ skull purely by mistake. The investigating Officer, Forbes Mason Hall II, who had been involved in the William Wilton accident, which saw Struth replace him as manager, later became a regular at Ibrox.
The rebuilding process started immediately, in between times Struth playing the opposition himself. His record reads played 23, lost 1, drawn 1, won, 21.
The loss, against Celtic, was an ill tempered affair, with Struth injured as early as the 2nd minute after running back to the dug out to replenish the ammo stocks. In all fairness, despite shooting three players he offered to remove the bullets (all to the groin) himself, and spent the entire weekend applying the now legendary magic hands to war torn groins. It’s been reported that he managed to rub down two players at once, the sweat lashing from his brow, his trusty copy of ‘The Sporting Life’ mopping up the sweat through the night till the Police could remove the dressing room door.
But it wasn’t his influence on the pitch that proved fruitful. Ever the dignified dignitary Struth’ was the Grandmaster of influential prowse, coupled with the sort of rudimentary domestic diligence, many a Glasgow housewife aspired to.
By his own admission his “Perils of Wisdom” were a tad highbrow for the ordinary player and could do more damage than good depending how much Brandy the player had had the night before.
“You need to be careful what you say to the players. Using words such as ‘gallant’, and pioneer’ may look good in print, but unless they now why I’m saying this, it’s a waste of my time, the time I spend thinking about how I can use the word dignity, and the time I spend thinking about Rangers. Sometimes it’s better to speak to the players individually, generally a good rub down on those tired groins helps get the message across.”
Some gems…
“We are Rangers. Other teams know this because they read about it. I know it because I wrote it this morning”
On his fearsome training regime..
“If the players can’t carry each other naked through the mud at 2 in the morning, how can they be expected to carry the club through it’s darkest hours.”
“The ball belongs to any man on the park wearing a Rangers jersey..their bodies belong to me.”
On the special treatment of the players..
“They are not ordinary players they are Rangers players. The cinema tickets which the club buys for them are not ordinary cinema tickets,they are special tickets. The Brandy which they sip is the finest money can buy. Their suits..the finest a tailor can stitch. We are not a football club, we are a living, breathing body, well toned, naked, with firm buttocks. We are Rangers.
“The fat of the land is served at Rangers with five vegetables on the plate, thats why we are Rangers. ”
On his legendary shooting of a Stukka Bomber during ‘The Blitz’…
“I had one bullet, however I stared him into crashing the plane. I used the bullet to shoot him in the leg after he crashed. I removed the bullet myself and presented him to the Govan Conscription Sargent reluctantly,for the lad was a fine player.”
Original by EME
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