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BARTON REJECTS RANGERS ADVANCES

In a strange twist, incarcerated racist Joey Barton has turned down a golden offer to join Rangers after completing his demanding six months stretch at Her Majesty’s pleasure.

Barton, who allegedly has a tattoo of King Billy on his arm, is a self confessed thug, bully and alcoholic, gave an in-depth interview from the narrow confines of his prison cell.

Speaking exclusively to the Daily Record Hun, Barton looked drained and in discomfort after serving a painful initiation ceremony in the shower room with “Mr Big” and “Pass the talcum Malcolm”.

” I have no intention of ever signing for Rangers, I have my self-respect to think about. It’s one thing attacking sixteen year old kids and racially abusing Asians, but playing for Rangers?”. Said Barton (25)

“The scenes from Manchester were horrendous and really turned my stomach. I never ever want to be associated with such scum”.

Such comments from Barton are sure to infuriate Gers chiefs. Walter Smith had hoped to persuade the Premiership ace to join Rangers and believes Barton would fit the bill at Ibrox.

Martin Bain was unavailable for comment.

Previous controversial Rangers targets.

- Lee Hughes (West Bromwich Albion): six years’ jail for causing death by dangerous driving

- Peter Storey (Arsenal and England): three years for fraud, plus 28 days for attempting to import pornography

- Tony Adams (Arsenal and England): jailed for drink-driving

- Gary Charles (Nottingham Forest and England): jailed twice, for drink-driving and for cutting off an electronic tag so that he could go on holiday

- Mickey Thomas (Manchester United and Wales) jailed for fraud

- Graham Rix (Arsenal and England): sentenced to a year in jail for having sex with a minor

Original by Steve Clark.

TRANSFER NEWS - PAUL SCHOLES TO RANGERS

In an audacious bid Walter Smith has set his eyes on signing veteran Manchester United midfielder, Paul Scholes.

Walter, who is known to be a huge fan of the flame haired Lancastrian, will use some of the money he has garnered from Rangers heroics in Europe to secure the signature of the man from Oldham.

Scholes’s mother who hails from Larkhall is keen that her son should fulfill a family wish and join her childhood favourites.

Paul has been told privately by Sir Alex Ferguson that he cannot be guaranteed a starting place next season.

Ferguson is keen to rebuild his squad with new young foreign talent and Scholes is seen by Sir Govan as surplus to requirement.

Wages may be somewhat problematic, however the DailyHun understands that Smith is ready to dangle Lee McCulloch and Charlie Adam’s sister’s pants as bait for Sir Alex.

It may well be an offer that Sir Govan cannot turn down.

SOCIETY, MANCHESTER, AND WHY I SUPPORT RANGERS

Gordhun Smith reveals how he wept when he saw the images from Manchester on his television screen. They were not tears of shame or sorrow but of anger.
____________

I was incensed that a handful of drunken idiots have besmirched the good name of my club and everything that our great institution represents.

I won’t fall into the trap of blaming foreign infiltrators, be they “Chelsea” fans or taigs with tickets, no we have in the best traditions of Scotland’s premier club to hold up our hands and say, “sorry, we are guilty”.

The handful of morons who donned our colours may well call themselves Rangers fans ,but they are not followers as they do not follow on. And therein lies the difference, we follow a club, they cheer when we are winning.

I was not unable to follow myself due to my bunions but I was there in spirit.

When that great man David Edgar said that the trouble at Manchester was reflection of society, he was merely speaking the truth.

Single parents, underage drinking, teenage pregnancies, AIDS, social security scroungers, asylum seekers…..and the list goes on and on and on.

Let’s put it his way. Fifty years ago, there was no AIDS, there were no gays or lesbians, there was no unemployment or teenage pregnancies because the word ‘teenager’ had never been invented!

There was capital and corporal punishment, people had RESPECT for themselves and the society in which they lived. Of course I could be accused of looking through the world with blue tinted glasses and am merely reporting what I thought I saw.

But look at the facts, people didn’t get murdered in the numbers they do today. A policeman would come along in the street and cuff a youngster’s ear and that was the problem solved.

At school, teachers were allowed to belt naughty children and it never did them any harm.

This was incidentally the post-war period after we had helped destroy fascism. The monarchy was revered and everybody was happier. Rangers too were THE team, everybody knew their place, things worked and it was the natural order.

Then came the sixties.

It is no coincidence that the decade that saw drugs, hippies, free love and the abolition of capital punishment saw the rise of Celtic and the trouble in Ireland and America with some people protesting and trying to get above their station.

By giving blacks and Irish Catholics more civil rights in Northern Ireland and America, society began to crumble and events degenerated terribly.

At Manchester, we saw the final phase in this development. This new society now means anarchy, lawlessness and mayhem.

This is not Rangers fault and has nothing to do with football.

By Gordhun Smith

WE’LL TURN DESPAIR INTO FLAIR NEXT SEASON

Rangers livewire striker Nacho Novo last night rounded on the club’s critics. The Ibrox men, inspite of the soaring success they have achieved this season, have endured a torrent of mocking and abuse from opposition fan’s in regard the style of play Walter Smith has deployed this season.

The little Spaniard was indignant and took umbrage to these mischievous claims. “People have claimed we have been defensive all season, but how many times have a team scored three goals in consecutive cup finals? Tell me,” Novo boldly plowed on, “when did it last happen?”

The chain of thought here could be that the diminutive wingman come forward is still simmering with resentment at his ordering off at Pittodrie nary three days hitherto, so much so that when I pose this question to the former Huesca goal hero, I might have expected him to squirm in the plush leather couch, and possibly even let the expensive Ibrox fabric engulf him completely.

Instead Novo surprises, as he courageously crouches forward, a steely glint in his eye whilst he jabs out a finger. “You show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser,” as he gestures expansively and histrionically with his dancing fingers.

It is this show of bravado, some may convey it as arrogance, that marks the ex Dundee hitman out as the classic pantomime villain to all football supporters bar his own.

Such confidence is crystallised when Novo admits he still harbours hopes of one day representing his country. “It’s a dream, and dreams never die. There’s little to no chance of (Luis) Aragones picking me, my face doesn’t fit, or he doesn’t fancy my style of play. I’m not stupid though, I realise there is a lot of competition for striking places.”

The Ibrox darling, whose cool and nonchalant dispatch of the final penalty in Florence sent Rangers to their first European final in more than thirty years, derives confidence from friend and former Dundee team mate Claudio Cannigia. “Claudio phoned me the other day and told me not to be disheartened, that nobody expected him to be picked for Argentina, but he was, and he went on to have a great world cup in 2002.”

When I enquired whether his desperation for recognition from natives in his homeland was borne more out of hope than expectation, Novo, enigmatic as ever, shrugged his shoulders and let his body creep forward once again, whispering, “what will be, will be. My only concern is achieving success with Rangers, and I’m sure this will continue to come next season.”

And with that, he was gone, as quickly as one of his vaunted exocets that nearly burst the net this season and, sadly, Novo would concede, as hastily as Rangers championship challenge perished.

Original by Diego Jimbo

GERS MANAGEMENT END OF SEASON REVIEW

Ian “Durranty” Durrant has been revealed as the man behind Gers’ CIS Cup success.

Durranty learned some harsh lessons due to his cup experience last season and promised Walter that he would help Gers win a major honour this time around. The fast, flowing attacking style of Durranty’s team was the reason they lost 3 goals but the football was mouth-watering.

But it wasn’t just Ian who played his part, it has been sensationally revealed that each Gers’ coach had been assigned a specific task over the course of the season.

Ally was key to the glorious Scottish cup run destroying the likes of Partick, St.Johnstone and QOS on the way to a historic cup and cup double.

Kenny McDowall was responsible for away games, which turned out to be a steep learning curve whilst settling into management the Glasgow Rangers way. Kenny has made good progress.

That leaves Walter, who was in charge for Gers’ home matches. Out of the 19 games played, 18 were won with only one defeat and a UEFA Cup Final.

Walt could have taken the Gers to league glory but he is looking to the long-term and wants a management team ready and experienced enough for the challenges the bares face for the next 2 or 3 decades.

By the look of things, the glory days are coming back to the Brox. Champions League beware!!

Original by Ringtone

SENSATIONAL SEASON FINALE FOR GERS

Gers end season on an almighty high.

Joyous scenes at hampden as a jubilant Barry Ferguson, delight etched on his face, holds aloft the Scottish Cup after his Gers’ side’s emphatic 3-2 victory over high flying Queen of The South to claim a memorable double.

A wonderful achievement for this Gers side as they are now the champions of TWO top competitions.

THIS IS NOW, THIS IS THE HOUR

Now is the time; history is about to be made. From nothing we have become something; from a long sleep we have awakened; from the dead we have returned.

Since first we ambled onto Fleshers Haugh, as young men in the Victorian Past, every era of Rangers have walked forward carrying the torch of our club.

The standards set by Mr Struth have been etched in the marble and brick of our stadium and our hearts. Yes, teams and individuals have failed, but true Rangers never have.

This week, we make new history for the club. The beloved ghosts of the stadium, from stairway thirteen to the dressing room, look down on us and this team and they want us to win; to win not just for them, for they are in the past, but to win for now; for the present of this club, for ourselves and for the future, for our children. We owe to them and we owe it to ourselves.

We will play with courage, we will defend with heart and voice, we will attack with belief and pride and we will be dignified, honest and ready. We will struggle at times, but we will prevail. We were the people back then and we are the people still.

I believe we will emerge from this week filled with pride.

Thank you Walter.

by Darryl King

PLAN TO DEAL WITH FAN’S MISBEHAVIOUR

Sir David Murray is privately fuming at the behaviour of a small group of drunken yobs who have brought the good name of Rangers into the gutter.

He is also ashamed that the disgraceful antics of a handful of yobs has damaged Scotland and Scottish football.

However, he has acted swiftly in his usual manner to limit the damage and has already implemented a series of measures which should restore the good name of Rangers football club.

I can exclusively reveal that in the wake of the disturbing scenes which featured just a few ’supporters’, he has already contacted Alex Salmond with a view to setting up a summit to get to the bottom of the alarming behaviour of the few who tarnished the good name of Scotland.

He has also summoned Celtic chairman John Reid to his luxurious home in Edinburgh, in an attempt to get a joint response by Scotland’s two biggest clubs to the ongoing crisis.

Murray is shrewd enough to realize that the fundamental causes of the rioting were not just too much booze and too few facilities. Deep down, the factors that caused the trouble were poverty, ignorance and a lack of opportunity.

A Rangers spokesman who wished to remain anonymous said;

“At the summit everything is up for discussion, from segregated schooling to mixed marriages, we will leave no stone unturned to get to the source of this cancer which continues to plague Scottish society”.

Original by Steve Clark

SIR WALTER SMITH RUSHED TO HOSPITAL

Walter Smith was rushed to hospital today for a quadruple bypass after his Gers’ heroes were held to a 1-1 draw at Motherwell.

It is believed this routine procedure is not life threatening and the gaffer should be back to business fairly soon.

Get well soon Walt!

RST: WE APOLOGISE FOR NOTHING

Gers’ fans group the Rangers Supporters Trust today insisted that the Bares are not to blame for the violence which marred the UEFA cup final and believe the finger of blame lies elsewhere.

They released the following statement:

___________________________

On behalf of The Rangers Supporters Trust, I have been asked to make a statement regarding last night’s game in Manchester.

First of all, I would like to pay tribute to the players and coaching staff that got Rangers all the way to the final of a European Cup only to fall at the final hurdle.

I would also like to recognize the achievement of Zenit and their supporters in winning the UEFA cup, in a closely contested but fairly fought game, they prevailed.

In addition, I would like to pay tribute to the people of Manchester who made us so welcome. The vast majority of Rangers supporters were impeccably behaved and that simple point needs to be noted. Of the 200.000 people who were located in the environs of Greater Manchester, a minute fraction got themselves involved in some naughty scraps with the authorities.

However, it has to be said that the organization by Manchester City Council left a lot to be desired. Despite repeated approaches by the RST, the council refused to open the Old Trafford Stadium which is much more suitable for receiving vast numbers of fans than open, public squares which are close to commercial premises.

Secondly, the attitude of the local police left a lot to be desired. It was clear from a very early stage that they wanted some sort of confrontation. Our record speaks for itself. During our long and exhausting trips through Europe this season, we have not experienced any real violence to speak of, whether it be Germany, Spain, Portugal or Greece. Why was Manchester so different?

Whether they were acting under instructions from above or there is some innate anti-Rangers sentiment within the GMP service, I don’t know. But what was clear was that, when a few minor incidents arose, they were quick, perhaps too quick to exploit and worsen an already tense situation.

How else do you explain their over-the-top violence against unarmed and innocent Rangers supporters.

Thirdly, alcohol. Why were local traders selling vast amounts of alcohol to so many people without adequate checks? This was a simple case of exploiting the Scottish visitors who poured vast amounts of money into local coffers.

Rangers and its supporters have nothing to apologise for, not least when the culpability lies elsewhere.

By Daffyd Edgar

Original by Steve Clark

MANCHESTER WAS TOO CHEAP AND CLOSE

The pain is still etched on his face, a full two days after the shameful scenes that disgraced a club and outraged a nation.

In the spartan but smart living room of David Edgar, fast, rapid stacatto sentences are occasionally punctuated with eery pregnant pauses. Edgar himself looks slightly dishevelled, decidely pale and sounds extremely angry.

For Edgar the last seventy two hours have been a voyage of self discovery and a deep examination of the Rangers psyche. The psychos may determine the Rangers psyche, but their moments of mindless barbarity in Manchester will take a generation at least to erode from the national consciousness.

Just as Peter Mandelson represented the new face of New Labour, David Edgar was the face of “New Rangers”. Articulate, photogenic and media savvy, Edgar’s performance to date as the frontman of the Rangers Supporters Trust has been outstanding.

In recent months David Edgar could be regularly seen and heard on the national media, putting across his message that Rangers was a club in transition, refuting old prejudices and adopting a new more tolerant approach to people who don’t normally fit the profile of a ’stereotypical’ Rangers supporter. Ethnic minorities have been courted and bilateral projects with bitter rivals Celtic have won praise from governmental organizations.

“I could be really flippant and start by saying ’some of my best friends are Catholics’, but the cliche is true, I do actually have many Catholic Celtic supporting friends! I also know many other Rangers supporters who have similar relationships with Celtic supporters. The point is we really want to move away from that dangerous stereotype of the bigot who follows Rangers. We really want to destroy that horrible caricature”.

There is no doubting the man’s sincerity, he is genuinely angered that a large section of his fellow supporters are depicted in such a negative way. However, as I painfully point out the images from the streets of Manchester earlier in the week did not exactly help destroy the myth of the Rangers bully boys.

“Absolutely true Darryl, and I am not going to use this interview as means of excusing the inexcusable. We were largely to blame for the disgusting scenes we saw on Wednesday night. To be fair there were other factors too; the role of the police, some of the decisions taken by the city council, the lack of facilities, non-Rangers supporters intent on violence,the weather, etc.

However the bottom line is that we as Rangers supporters have to face up to our responsibilities and continue to root out those who bring shame on our great institution.”

It is heartening to see that Edgar has not taken the easy route and sought to point the finger of blame elsewhere, he recognizes that there still remains much work to do at Ibrox in changing primitive attitudes. David Edgar in his quiet understated way then moves onto a theme which he says the various media have failed to deal with.

“Society. You have to put the actions of last Wednesday into some sort of context. Context is everything with regard to what happened in Manchester. We live in a yob society, not a day goes by without us hearing on the news more disturbing reports on under age drinking, stabbings and random violence, drug abuse, teenage pregnancies, and so on. What I am trying to convey to you is that no man is an island, we are animals, social animals albeit and at Rangers we are no different.

There is much about Margaret Thatcher that I admired, but she once came out with a disgraceful statement that ‘there is no such thing as society’. Frankly, coming from such an inspirational leader that was a huge faux pas. A very rare mistake from a conviction politician, but a major error nonetheless. What we witnessed on the streets of central Manchester can be seen in just about every medium sized town or big city at pub closing time anywhere in Britain.

Admittedly the scale is different, but in essence the problem is the same, drunken behaviour fuelled by cheap booze and a hatred of authority in the shape of the police. Frankly, Rangers cannot and will not be held responsible for society’s ills”.

It’s a very spirited defence from a man who refuses to be backed into a corner. I feel obliged to contrast the behaviour of Celtic and Rangers in the respective UEFA Cup finals. Edgar visibly winces before answering.

“Look I really don’t want to go down the path of comparing and contrasting the two sets of supporters. I have said it before and I will say it again, in Seville the Celtic supporters were magnificent. However, we are not comparing like with like. Celtic brought significantly fewer supporters to Spain, than Rangers took to Manchester.

That is a huge factor which needs to be emphasized. Related to that fact is that to get to Seville, you had to have a pretty good income to afford a flight, accommodation not to mention a ticket. Frankly, only relatively rich and well to do people could afford such expenditure. I am not trying to turn this into a class issue, but let’s just say a certain section of the Celtic support went to Spain and another very different section of the support stayed at home. Had Rangers gone to Seville, the result would have been identical, of that I have no doubt whatsoever.

Manchester was close by, it was cheap, it was accessible and the lower sections of Scottish society with a tenuous link to Rangers tagged along to cause trouble”.

There is no faulting his logic and a man whose innate intelligence shines through, has given an economical and sociological explanation for what happened in Manchester. I predict that we will be hearing a lot more from this young visionary in the future.

Original by Steve Clark

RANGERS RIOT AS ZENIT FAN STABBED

Rangers fans clash with Manchester Police after a large outdoor screen was unable to show the match due to a technical fault.

SkyNews also reported that a Zenit St Peterburg fan was stabbed outside the stadium after the game, the injuries are not thought to be life threatening.

Early eyewitness reports are blaming Chelsea fans for the trouble.  This same group have been responsible for various incidents during Gers’ Euro run.

QUADRANGLE OFF AS GERS ARE PUMPED OUT

MANCHESTER - Tonight Rangers were beaten 2-0 by Zenit St Petersburg in the UEFA Cup Final to instantly kill the dream of winning a historic, unprecedented quadrangle of 4 trophies .

More to followfollow…

RANGERS FANS SAVAGELY ATTACK POLICEMAN

Rangers Chelsea fans are caught on CCTV savagely attacking an isolated police officers during a night of violence in Manchester following Rangers getting pumped out of the UEFA Cup Final.

GERS MANCHESTER VIDEOS OF SHAME

Videos have appeared on the popular Youtube site of Rangers Chelsea fans fighting amongst themselves and rioting in Manchester ahead of the UEFA cup final between Rangers and Zenit St Petersburg.

VIDEO: RANGERS FANS TRASH CAR IN MANCHESTER

Rangers Chelsea fans trashed a car belonging to a member of the public after their side’s defeat to Zenit St Peterburg tonight.

GERS BARES ARRIVE IN MANCHESTER

By Darryl Kling.

Many years ago as a green and not particularly accomplished sport’s correspondent, I paid my first visit to New York. After having filed the obligatory reports I embarked upon what is cringingly called a ’sight-seeing’ tour.

The Statue of Liberty features in any world heritage site and nobody can hold a candle never mind a torch to the Lady in the harbour. This would have been the first sight many wretched immigrants would have glimpsed of the New World which promised so much hope and a great future.

At the base of the statue stood a plaque bearing the words below;

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.”

Today as I stood on a flyover just north of Preston on the M6, the memories of New York Bay came flooding back. The tears welled up in my eyes, not just because of the diesel fumes and pollution, but the sheer volume of humanity which passed between my legs.

This isn’t just about a football match, it’s a statement about a community which feels that it too has a right to exist.

Three O’Clock in the afternoon and Chief Superintendent Reg Clutterbuck of Lancashire traffic police confirmed that up to that point 30.000 Rangers supporters had passed through. And still they came, in their thousands.

Fleeing persecution in their homeland, seeking only justice, fair play and a fight, Manchester is their shining beacon. Their hope, their bright new orange future, their Statue of Liberty.

Today in Scotland the only huddles and masses that can be found are in the east end of Glasgow. By a perverse quirk of history, the immigrants have overtaken the natives. (Isn’t it time for them to go home?)

We’ll never know just how many sacrifices have been made to secure the fare to Manchester, never mind the acquisition of a ticket for the big one.

Male, female, young,old, middle-aged, poor, very poor, extremely poor and still they came.

Glorious Rangers we salute you!

Original by Steve Clark 

GERS SPECIAL UEFA CUP BOOT REVEALED

Rangers’ UEFA heroes are to wear specially commissioned football boots during the historic, unprecedented cup final in Manchester as this sensational picture exclusive shows.

Picture: CelticMinded.com

MIKE MCCURRY BREAKS HIS SILENCE

Following the controversy surrounding last Saturday’s Rangers- Dundee United game, Scotland’s top whistle blower Mike McCurry felt compelled to explain some of his decisions which baffled many who watched the game.

The non ‘penalty’ incident- ‘My view was obscured, so as is common practice I consulted my assistant Mr McAuley who confirmed to me that the Dundee United player stumbled upon making contact with David Weir, and in his opinion went to ground far too easily.

I took his word for it, and also don’t forget that David Weir is not the sort of person who makes such clumsy tackles. However, I have taken the opportunity to review the incident on my television and there is no doubt in my opinion, that it was definitely a penalty.

Mr McAuley now accepts full responsibilty for his error and has promised that it will not happen again. I know him personally and can vouch for his genuine sorrow which has done so much to damage Dundee United’s season.’

The ‘deflected’ goal incident. - “Once again I have to confess that I was so far back away from play that I didn’t get a clear view of the deflected goal. Mr McAuley again confirmed that Noel Hunt was in an offside position when the shot was struck. I have to say that based on the information given to me at the time, I chalked the goal off. Wrong again, but it’s easy to see these blatant errors in retrospect.

The ‘assaults’ on Noel Hunt and Lee Wilkie- “I have no knowledge of any ‘assaults’ taking place anywhere at Ibrox. I would welcome the opportunity to view these incidents.”

Craig Levein- I apologise unreservedly for the genuine errors that were made by Mr McAuley, however I feel that Mr Levein’s comments were unfair but after having consulted with my lawyer, I have decided to take no further action.

Craig Levein was clearly upset about failing to get into Europe, this I feel is the heart of the matter. I am minister in the Christian faith and my deeply held religious beliefs forbid me to cheat or give anybody another fair advantage.

Let’s leave it at that, before more damage is done”.

Original by Steve Clark

NO SIGNS OF WALTER SHOWING THE STRAIN

Interview by Darryl Kling.

It’s ten o’clock on a bright early May morning, and Walter Smith is already up and about. Even at this early hour he cuts an impressive figure of calm and tranquility in the splendid surroundings of his plush Newton Mearns garden.

Seated directly under the magnificent cover of the jambutee tree, Walter Smith looks for all to see as if he does not have a care in the world. Nothing could betray that he is without doubt the most stressed man in world football.

The quadrangle is still on, the biggest internal migration in these islands since the Anglo-Saxon invasions has taken hold, expectations are being raised to crazy levels….and yet Walter Smith with his quiet sober outlook on life, gazes stoically at the orange lilies which flutter gently in the wind.

The beautiful fragrance of the blooms are occasionally overcome by something that inexplicably smells like Jack Daniels. As I approach Walter Smith, poised to kiss his ring the aroma becomes overpowering. “EEsshhh the drainshhh’ Smith explains, his voice almost incoherent after yelling on the sideline for ninety minutes at Ibrox last night. The poor man has been rendered incoherent in his drive to drive Rangers to the halls of eternity.

“Mair swally!” he screams aloud and at that almost on cue, his wife Betty, of twenty five years appears with what I believe is lemonade. Her right eye has a strange black and blue hue, and her nose has assumed strange proportions.

It seems that she fell down the stairs when Barry Ferguson scored his dramatic winner against Motherwell. She also fell down the stairs when Rangers lost twice to Celtic recently. And against Fiorentina. Clearly the carpets need to be refitted so as to prevent further accidents.

“Here you are luv” she says and the affection is reciprocated as Walter playfully slaps her full handed across her face. “Wharrafucktookyousolongyaweehoor!”., Smith gently enquires of his spouse. After so long in such a relationship it’s clear that they are still deeply in love.

As I take a sip from the glass, I realize that it is extra strong lemonade. Just what the doctor ordered. As we take in the full splendour of le jardin Smith, our repose is briefly interrupted as Smith’s two Rottweilers “Adair’ and ‘Cromwell’ delicately rip the neighbours cat apart.

“Feckinmagicboysriprafenianbastardtaebit s ….. hic….hic “.

It is at that point I decide to take my leave of the great man.

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