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GERS ITALIAN TALKS BREAK DOWN

Talks to bring Italian Striker Andrea Caracciolo to Ibrox sensationally broke down today.

Walter and chief executive Martin Bain jetted into Milan today to thrash out a £7 million deal for the striker.

However, as our Exclusive picture shows, talks turned ugly when it was revealed the player had decided to snub Gers and move to Serie B side Brescia.

EXCLUSIVE: HUTTON CALCULATOR REVEALED

Darrell King today revealed how the Alan Hutton transfer fee is calculated.

Introducing the “Hutton Calculator” Darrell finally concedes the Scottish media’s understanding of the Hutton deal is indeed worked out on this exciting new device from Moonbeam Instruments Inc.

Only available to hacks north of the border, you must have a press pass in order to purchase one.

And they don’t come cheap at £1690

Pros: Equipped with all the goodies you need for solving just about any math problem.

Cons: It might cost you an arm and a leg.

CHRISTIAN DAILLY IS THE WAY FORWARD

‘Give us our daily bread, oh christian folk”, this was a well sung and well kent hymn at the picturesque Hang all the Taigs Kirk in a neat little town called Harthill.

Oh yes, the times they are a’ changing. Christian Dailly will now be getting his daily bread from entrepreneur extraordinaire, Sir David Murray. Christian by name and most certainly christian by nature.

Are there any limits to this knight of the realm’s fiscal skills? To sell on the prodigious Alan Hutton for 15 million pounds is one thing, but to capture a man who has been capped for his country 123 times for not one single sov is…well….utterly astonishing.

Dailly refused to be held captive by the mind games of not-so-crafty Cockney, Alan Devilshley and ignoring the temptations of his four million per annum contract, cocked a snoop and headed North.

I can exclusively reveal that Dailly whose youthful looks belie his forty-five years, turned down a not so lucrative offer from a certain team in the East of Glasgow. Seemingly, their idea was to use Dailly as a means of pulling a fast one over their natural superiors with a cheap stunt.

Speaking from his caravan in Helensburgh, Dailly refuted any suggestion that money was the motivation; “Feckoffyashoweroffenianbastardsgoanddow an”.

Dailly’s eloquent words sum up what Rangers is all about,…. class and money.

Steve Clarke

PERVERT BOSS SICK DEMANDS

Welcome to Dear Bridget, the Daily Hun’s famous agony aunt.

Got a problem? Need advice? Send me your Problems!

Only in your Scottish Daily Hun!

by Bridget Saunders

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Bridget

My boss keeps trying to get me to have sex with him. I’m worried he’ll find a reason to sack me unless I give in.

I am 19 and it’s taken me over a year to land myself a new job after being made redundant at a large football store. I was over the moon that at last I could get back into work since the JJB thing and start saving up so me and my boyfriend can move in together eventually.

I love my job, and my boss is really nice to everyone. He’s a no bad-looking guy and there are plenty of other girls working here who would be willing, but he’s singled me out for his attentions.

Every day he finds excuses to get me to go up to his office, or stay after the others have gone home so we can be on our own. He makes me push him around they room naked. He also forces me watch him doing naked wheelies.

I love my boyfriend very much and I wouldn’t dream of being unfaithful. I’ve told my boss how I feel about my boyfriend and that we’ve been together for over two years. He just laughs and says I can do better.

Please Help.

Janice, Edinburgh.

_______________________

Bridget says:

Flattering though it is, don’t let him even get to the point of you wheeling him around. Say firmly, “I believe in keeping personal and business relationships separate. I will push you no more!”

Just be careful to do your work as well as you can so he’s no excuse to make you redundant again, although be warned, he would probably find that the easy part.

Be sure to phone my premium rate number to order my special leaflet;

DON’T LET SEXUAL HARRASEMENT RUIN YOUR MOONBEAMS OF SUCCESS.

Calls cost £1.690 per minute and last no longer than a Rangers transfer saga.

 

HUTTON: CSI CALLED IN

Strathclyde Police have contacted Miami CSI following the recent mysterious dissapearence of sometime right back, and full time clubber Alan Hutton.

The investigation, is headed by Alex McLeish, who believes a London based mastermind is to blame.

“It’s a strange one”, said McLeish, inbetween three mobile phone calls to make sure James McFadden had taken his Ready Break.

“He reported to Karbon on Sunday night for his usual preening and posing in his gray cardigan..then, nothing.

Walter phoned me as I was investigating a series of thefts which have happened to thousands of Raingurz supporters who paid for seats they already own, some five years ago…..and the seats still haven’t been delivered. Walter said he hadn’t reported for training and believed he was heading for London… Road, as he only has three zones on his travel pass.”

Original by EME

HUTTON ARRIVES AT SPURS

Alan Hutton arrives at White Hart Lane to finally put pen to paper.

In our exclusive picture sensation our snappers caught the moment Alan turned up at Spurs still wearing his Gers tie.

Alan had earlier handed back his club issued brown brogues before his departure which would explain his choice of BLACK brogues.

A Gers spokesman insisted tonight, “Alan’s move to Spurs was his own decision”.

Pictures: El_Hudd

CONCERN MOUNTS FOR MISSING HUN

Concerns are mounting regarding the disappearance of youngster, 27 year old Alan Hutton who was last seen kicking a ball in a football park in North West Glasgow.

His distraught parents David and Walterina, struggled to remain dignified during an emotional press conference.

“Alan was always a happy wee boy, he loved kicking a ball and whistling into his flute, he would never leave home without us first telling him how much we’d sell him for. Let’s face it, everybody has his price”.

Strathclyde police remained tight lipped over developments regarding the possible abduction of Alan. A swarthy looking man called Juan Ghuy was seen in the vicinity of the prestigious Murray Training complex, and allegedly was heard to say, “I’ll give you ten million pounds if you come into my car and come to London with me”. Martin Bain was unavailable for comment.

Steve Clarke

GERS PUMP UP PRODUCTION

There is no rest in the human conveyor belt that is the Murray Stadium Training complex. Awash with the news that Alan Hutton has become the first of what surely will prove to be many home produced talents, there was no time to sit back and gloat, but with true pragmatism it was back to the coal face, getting the youngsters ready for the world market.

We’ll never know the magical alchemy which conspired to change the budding Alan Hutton into a fully fledged, world class full back. However, clearly somebody is doing something right at the Ibrox laboratory. What is the magical formula? Who owns the patent? Where is the magician? Read more

REAL HEROS OF DOOMED PLANE REVEALED!

Eyewitnesses have confirmed that it was indeed these two heroes who managed to guide the doomed British Airways jet to a safe landing at Heathrow.

Our sensational picture captures the two heroic men after the terrifying ordeal.

John ‘Smeato’ Smeaton and Sash Gordhun’s Internal radar pinged and they were on the scene immediately to avoid certain disaster.

Only 3 passengers suffered minor injuries thanks to John & Sash.

GERS TRUST EXPLAIN RED HAND SALUTE

The Gers Supporters Trust release a photograph to explain the use of the red hand salute by Gers diehards.

Trust spokesman Daffyd Edgar said, “As you can see, the salute is not connected to aw that yon Nazi stuff”.

“It is clearly to symbolise the Red Hand of Ulster and as a symbol of allegiance with our Ulster brethren, when it started the salute was done with a wee red magic glove”.

THE GOALIE: EDUCATION IS THE ANSWER

The years have been good to Andy Goram, though given his colourful past and dubious life style, it’s good to see the big man still looking so well. He is not back to his imposing best, when his physique was often the difference between three points or no points.

The Reverend Tommy Burns will no doubt have Goram’s name etched on his breast and will carry it to his grave, with the epithet, “The man who broke my heart”. Read more

JANUARY, THE CRUELLEST MONTH

It will be of scant consolation to Walter Smith to learn of Sir David Murray’s ambitious plans to build a new state-of-the art stadium to replace the ageing beauty that is Ibrox Park. Neither will the news that the G14 organization has finally seen its last days, mainly due to the persistent probings of the unsung hero that is Martin Bain.

Like Hitler with his troops before the gates of Moscow, the Clydeside general has had his ultimate victory snatched from him by the vagaries of the Scottish weather and a most inclement January. The Scottish Premier League lay there for the taking by Smith’s storm troopers. Read more

MURRAY PARK POO PIRATE STRIKES AGAIN

Gers stars limber up in training as their rescheduled clash with Gretna looms.

It looks like our exclusive Charlie Adam “MAN LOVE” story has been confirmed.

“Better watch out guys, he’s behind you” cried Carlos.

GERS MOVING TO ANOTHER LEVEL

Just as promised, Rangers are moving on to another level from the rest of Scottish football, as chairman David Murray announced a new investment of £53m for the Ibrox club, with a further massive cash boost soon to follow.

First Published March 2000

The eventual cash injection could soar as high as £80m as Murray guides the club into what he believes will be a new, golden era for the Scottish champions. The money involved, the biggest financial boost for any Scottish football club, will enable them to move into Europe’s elite over the next few years. Yesterday, however, Murray maintained, as always, that he will not turn his back on Scottish football to play in any other league, and that while he remains in charge of the club, he will retain a responsibility to the domestic game.”

It is clear from this latest move, however, that the Glasgow giants are setting an agenda that no other Scottish club can match - and that appears to include their Old Firm rivals, Celtic, who are trailing by 15 points in the Premier League championship and are now looking at a financial gap which the Parkhead club might not be able to bridge. There have been hints around Glasgow that Celtic could be ready to attempt a share flotation of their own, but it would seem unlikely they would be able to match the financial clout that Murray has put together. The Ibrox chairman promised his shareholders good news and a more prudent financial strategy at the last annual meeting of the club. He has now delivered this by taking on board several very heavy financial hitters, South African-based David King is worth around £300m - £20m of which he is investing in the club he followed as a young man in Glasgow.” Read more

NEW MATCHDAY TRANSPORT FOR GERS

Sir David Murray launches a new transport initiative at Ibrox yesterday to FERRY playing staff around the ground on matchdays.

The Vehicle, named Easy Moonbeam One and staffed by orange clad beauties, will go into service immediately to ensure the Gers stars can navigate the waterlogged area bordering the playing surface.

PLAYER FOCUS

Every week, the Daily Hun, gives you the lowdown on the players that you admire most.

Includes player Interviews, their culture and tradition.

by Mr Monkey

_________________________________________________

.

BARRY FERGUSON MBE

Next week we talk to Barry Ferguson MBE and ask him why he is such an inspirational character

and discover what it actually feels like to captain our country and premier club side.

We also find out the truth about the Paul Le Guen saga.

Don’t miss it!

.

.

SECRET FEAR THAT DRIVES ME TO WIN 10 IN A ROW

Rangers chairman David Murray opens up on the highs and lows of his decade in charge of Rangers and promises that the best is still to come.

A look back at the real stories which were making the news way back.

First Published: November 19th, 1998

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RANGERS owner David Murray doesn’t often allow his true feelings to surface, but currently he is finding it difficult to disguise a pain which has been gnawing away inside since the end of last season. After a period of almost total dominance of Scottish football during which Rangers racked up 17 trophies the club met with failure. Celtic won the championship and the League Cup and Hearts beat Rangers in the Tennents Scottish Cup final, leaving Murray with nothing to show for a massive investment in time and money. Even now he winces when he thinks of that season, but it is the vivid memory, and the pain of defeat with which he now suffers, that combine to drive him on. Read more

ENTREPRENEURIAL EGOCENTRICS, HE WILL BE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW.

It was not quite a valedictory speech but Sir David Murray provided the Gers shareholders with the greatest indication yet that his 20th anniversary as chairman will also be his swansong.

The question now for anxious Rangers fans is: are there any self-made millionaires, preferably of a Rangers bent, willing to gamble their tranquility, health and wealth on a club with well- documented excess baggage?

Addressing well-heeled supporters at Ibrox on the occasion of the 108th annual meeting, Murray’s message was a metaphorical posting of the For Sale sign at a club he has grown to love, cherish and, ultimately, let go. Read more

IBROX PITCH IMAGE SENSATION

Legendary Gers Figure Appears In Mud At Waterlogged Ibrox.

What appears to be the image of the strict dignified disciplinarian, Bill Struth, appeared in the mud of the waterlogged pitch at Ibrox today.

HALL OF FAME: MR RANGERS

Bestest Ever Ranger, John Greig tucks into a sandwich during a break in the proceedings at the Gers Hall of Fame ceremony.

John was delighted to be named Bestest Ever Ranger.

Men of great stature like Graeme Souness, Sandy Jardine and Ally McCoist have all said John was the bestest. The fans have said it, too. And they know a player when they see one.

Next Page »

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